man stands in row boat with flower bouquet and heart-shaped box. A green fish appears at the surface and smiles
Art by Tim Bower

How do I get back the one that got away? 

All anglers experience fish-heartbreak, and those who suffer the most may dwell for the rest of their lives on the fish that got away. Losing a fish might not be forever, though. Fishologists all agree that fish have exceptional hearing; like pretty, glittery things; and are very romantic. So, if you lost the fish of your life, I recommend bringing diamonds, a bouquet of wildflowers, and hiring a Bruce Springsteen tribute band to play “Secret Garden” repeatedly the next time you go fishing. If that doesn’t work, consider inviting everyone you know and then professing your feelings for the fish via microphone. It works in all the movies.

Is it true that with global warming the Aleutian Islands will soon attract more tourists than Hawaii, Tahiti, and Baja combined?

Developers are stampeding to the black sand beaches and verdant volcanoes of western Alaska. Investors are so excited they are leaving their hummers, Mercedes, and G-4 jets idling 24/7 to expedite climate change and increase their profit margins. Attu Island will soon become the next Aruba. Barges of flamingos, bikinis, and margarita ingredients are being brought in. Alaska’s political leaders are likening the wave of tourism on the Aleutian Islands to the oil boom on the North Slope and believe it will be the economic salvation for the Last Frontier.

My man frequently wakes in his sleep screaming and sobbing about fishing. What should I do?

Fishing is not actually about fish. It’s about an angler trying to “catch” their feelings and trolling the dark depths of uncertainty. The spiritual angst and self-esteem issues of fishermen can never be truly understood by people who don’t fish (PWDF). The divide between anglers and PWDF is likely the biggest issue America is facing today. All I can recommend is that you hold your man until he stops crying. Then, pack an extra Twinkie in his lunch and tell him to take the day off work and go catch a big one.

I want to experience the magic and mystery of the Yukon River. Any recommendations?

Captain Charlie is planning to offer tours in his homemade “boat” for 2022. Charlie, who was supposed to spend the rest of his life behind bars, was recently set free due to a clerical error. A real people person, Charlie decided to try his hand at tourism. Imagine floating down the Yukon on a raft constructed mostly of empty jerry jugs with a true Alaskan character. Charlie is a nonstop entertainer and a wonder with a rusty machete. Spots are limited, so book soon.


Bjorn Dihle is Alaska magazine's gear editor and a lifelong resident of southeast Alaska. You can follow him at instagram.com/bjorndihle or facebook.com/BjornDihleauthor.

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