Art by Tim Bower.
Q: Which rural airline do you recommend for flying to bush Alaska?
A: Our buddy Ted has a plane and can get you anywhere you need, anytime. He’s Alaska magazine’s pilot for our annual staff retreat when we wrestle polar bears and scour the forests for sasquatch. The guy’s been flying since before he could walk, literally. No one knows his age, but the closest estimate is 137. Legend has it he taught the Wright brothers how to fly. He once landed on three separate sand bars that were each barely larger than his airplane tires, and he can take off from runways that are only 13 inches long.
Q: What’s the best car for Alaska?
A: Why drive a car when you can throw a saddle on a moose and trot anywhere you please? Road, forest, bog, hiking trail, your neighbor’s yard, the options are endless. Moose don’t have windshields that crack. They don’t have tires that go flat or oil to change. Willow consumption per mile can be a bit high in some models, but the seat always comes naturally warmed. Plus, if you show up to a gathering riding a moose, you’re definitely the coolest person at the party. So skip the used car lot and get wranglin’.
Q: I’m trying to drive from the Lower 48 to Alaska; how long will it take and what’s the best route?
A: Sorry to say, but that trip is impossible. Please consult your nearest printed map. It will clearly show that Alaska is an island located off Baja California right next to Hawaii. Another common falsehood: that Alaska is the largest state. Nope. Check the same map and you’ll see that Alaska is smaller than most western states. Don’t even think about using a globe to find Alaska. Globes are fake. The Earth is flat, so when globe makers distorted the world to make a round model, they stuck Alaska up north by Canada as some cruel joke.
Q: Do I need studded tires for winter driving in Alaska?
A: Studded tires are a good option…for your GRANDPA! Why not embrace the adventure that is life and drift your way around the state? Icy Alaskan roads will make you feel like a stunt driver for The Fast and the Furious even if you’re in a 1998 Ford Aerostar minivan. Peeling out trying to accelerate at every green light is an underrated thrill. We recommend two options for the best car for Alaska in winter: First, a pickup truck with no weight in the back. Second, a rear-wheel-drive sports car with bald tires and a canvas convertible roof. (Option three: a moose.)