Follow our tips on the best way to cook salmon and you’ll end up looking this happy. Illustration by Tim Bower.
Q: What’s the best way to cook salmon?
A: The best tasting meals are all about ambiance and experience, not ingredients and garnishes. To experience mind-blowing salmon, go for a hike with nothing but a knife, a box of matches, and a bottle of whiskey. Spend three days immersing yourself in the wilds. Don’t eat or drink anything besides rainwater. On the third evening, catch a salmon using your bare hands. Filet it. Roast it over an open fire while you’re chugging the whiskey. Guaranteed that salmon will be the best meal of your life.
Q: How do I win the Iditarod?
A: OK, we’ll share our secret strategy as long as you don’t tell anyone. We recently constructed a team of robot dogs that look convincingly like real huskies. These robo-doggies have night vision, a battery that lasts for years, and cutting-edge artificial intelligence. The problem is, our lead programmer is a big Jack London fan, and we think that influenced the code. The danged mutts broke free and motored off into the forest during the very first test run. If you find a wolf/dog/robot hybrid that answers to “Buck” and has snowmachine tracks instead of paws, please contact us.
Q: What’s the best time of year to see Denali without any clouds?
A: Science-types like to say that Denali is so massive she generates her own weather, but most Alaskans know the truth: she’s just really, really shy. Hence, all that hiding behind clouds. People have been calling her “great one” for hundreds of years in an attempt to boost her ego, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Even a national park, magazine photo shoots, and hundreds of thousands of people traveling just to see her beauty aren’t enough compliments. Alas, the only thing that seems to get Denali out of hiding is giving her lots of wine (she likes pinot noir).
Q: What’s the best way to make friends with a moose?
A: Befriending a moose is similar to making friends with other humans: it’s important to find out what you have in common. If you have a two-year old, try setting up a play date with a mama moose and her second-year calf. If you’re a foodie, invite a moose over for a dinner of roasted willow branches or treat a moose to that new swamp with five-star reviews. Unfortunately, moose are still somewhat narrow-minded and usually aren’t friends with people who spend a lot of time with wolf packs.