Q: What is the proper attire to wear to a formal Alaskan dinner?
A: Sweatpants—preferably crusted with halibut slime, wolverine musk, and salmon milt. Shirts are optional in the high society I hang out with, though during really fancy engagements, like if you’re dining with the governor, I recommend wearing headgear mounted with caribou antlers or mountain goat horns. The last time I visited the governor’s mansion, during a ball, I came dressed in only the pelt of a grizzly I’d killed earlier that day—it was in self-defense and hand to paw combat. Despite getting arrested, I’m pretty sure I was the best dressed gentleman there that night.
Q: What’s the first solid food most Alaskan babies eat?
A: Probably dirt—recent studies show that even just consuming a half cup of Alaskan dirt a day can increase a baby’s IQ by an astronomical level. It also gives infants the important antibodies they’ll need to face the challenges of living in the harsh northern environment. At four months, it’s important to introduce moose droppings into a baby’s diet so they’ll be strong like a bull. Raw meat should be offered when a baby gets their first tooth. One great way of doing this is, after you kill an animal, open up its viscera with a knife. Then place your child inside and let them discover the joy of eating solid food on their own.
Q: I want to serve an Alaskan dinner to impress my city slicker future in-laws—what should I make?
A: You can’t go wrong with a bear—especially cubs, which are the most tender and tasty. When I first cooked for my in-laws, I roasted a suckling polar bear cub and it was a tremendous hit. It also was a great conversation piece that encouraged an important discussion about climate change and rapidly melting arctic sea ice. If you really want to win approval, add a garnish of wolf anal glands. There’s nothing that says trust, love, and commitment like the sweet territorial musk of wolf.
Q: What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten?
A: Sasquatch. It’s a long story that I’m not proud of, as the consumption of hominid cryptids is controversial to say the least and has many cryptid rights groups in a fury. I justify my actions because I believe eating Squatch is more ethical than eating store-bought meat—not only is Squatch free-range and organic, it’s also good for lower intestine, brain, and bowel health. Squatch meat tastes like chicken but possesses a hint of clove and nutmeg. Though it’s a great substitute in any beef or chicken dish, my favorite way to eat Squatch is raw and in a cave in the wilderness.