Q: Are there any good summer camps for my Lower 48 child?
A: Camp Salvation is far and away the best option. Other Alaskan camps are notorious for being dangerous and have weird staff. Camp Salvation is so progressive it has no staff at all! The camp is located on the last, rapidly melting bit of pack ice in the Arctic Ocean. Besides getting a front row science lesson on climate change, your child will have the adventure of a lifetime fending off starving polar bears, scurvy, and starvation. Imagine the fortitude your child will gain sleeping in blizzards! The skills they will learn hunting and contending with cannibalistic attacks from other camp members will serve them well in the future.
Q: Can I visit Alaska and not have an adventure?
A: No. Even if you don’t experience something like a grizzly charge or moose tango, we locals will make sure your trip will be filled with plenty of shock, awe, and memorable stories. There’s no limit to the measures we’re willing to take to set the souls of our visitors aflame. One of our favorite methods includes dressing up in giant stuffed animal costumes and abducting bored-looking tourists and carrying them over our shoulders to caves where we perform exciting songs, rituals, and body art workshops using a variety of organically harvested wildlife organs. Often this ends in marriage proposals that help with our limited gene pool.
Q: My spouse and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary in Alaska. Can you recommend an unforgettable authentic adventure?
A: Go on a quest across the Arctic searching for the pizzly bear (a cross between a polar bear and grizzly). Travel lightly—each of you should only carry a spear—and make your clothing from the fur and feathers of animals you hunt. Enjoy the mundane moments—like when you form a blood-pact with wolves, or dance beneath the aurora, or bring down a muskox and feast on its flesh. It may take months or years before you find a pizzly, but, when you do, it’ll be the frosting on the cake of your relationship.
Q: My wife tells me I’m not adventurous. I’m afraid she might leave me. What should I do?
A: Book a one-way trip deep into the wilderness of Alaska. There’s nothing more adventurous than experiencing clouds of biting insects alternating with subzero temperatures, all while in constant fear of being eaten by something big and hairy. Your wife won’t be able to leave you because she’ll need you to survive. Assuming neither of you die, there’s a 50 percent chance you’ll emerge from the wilderness with a renewed heat and added depth to your marriage.